A week ago today Chris and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary. An event that is so wonderful I can't fully put into words. On the one hand I have been so blessed with such a wonderful husband and friend. My life truly is better because he is a part of it. That doesn't even scratch the surface of how much I love him.
And then there's the other hand.
This week my parents divorce was final.
No I'm not divorcing Chris, I'll just put that out there right now. No question. (Reread first paragraph, please.)
I've been avoiding posting about their divorce and how it affects me. To be honest I'll just say I haven't dealt with it much at all. I've talked about it. I've accepted it. I've cried countless hours.
As for moving on or trying to move on, I haven't given that much thought at all. Mostly because it's so stinking hard to deal with all I want to do when I think about what is to come makes me want to curl up in a ball to keep myself from falling into pieces.
I've gone through the motions. I've not cut off all communication with my parents. But I have removed myself for the last six months and lived in my bubble in my safe house and gone on about my life here in the desert. I used to talk to my parents every day. It was rare to not talk to them at least for a few minutes every day. And now it's the opposite. I talk to them once or twice a week, maybe. That's something I'm not proud of.
I'm not naive enough to think they'll ever get back together, it's not that.
When they told us I didn't blame myself and I still don't. Most of the more obvious things that show a marriage is about to end didn't start to surface until I'd already moved off to college. At that point I was too selfishly consumed in my new life I didn't realize what was going on. Plus, I was convinced they would never divorce so what I did see I most likely deemed insignificant. I think that's part of what makes it so hard is that both my parents were there, married, and at least putting on a happy face the entire time I lived at home. I always knew that there was no magic number of anniversaries you had to celebrate to guarantee that a marriage would last until death, but just thought since they had lasted so long it was until death.
It turns out that even being married with three kids and living half way across the country my parents' divorce is still hard.
Living so far away it's been easy to escape the reality of the situation.
My dad remarried this weekend. That makes my heart heavy. I have never met his new wife.
Part of me wants to meet her. Part of me wants to curl back up into that little ball.
This week it all changes. The kids and I are going back to the Midwest to celebrate my sister's college graduation. (I'm so stinking proud of her I can't stand it - she's beat the odds in so many of life's challenges and still going strong.) My dad will be there along with his new wife.
No longer can I table the subject I should've dealt with earlier.
This will be a tough few weeks for me as I think through all this and begin to truly deal with it.
